Monday, April 17, 2017

It Really Tweaks My Melon

Anybody remember the Pauly Shore movie Son In Law from the early 90s? It’s not worth tracking down to watch but there’s one scene at the end (SPOLIER ALERT! If you are going to waste 90 minutes of your life watching this movie, skip to the next paragraph. The movie was released almost 25 years ago, so I’m not sure this actually counts as a SPOILER ALERT!) where the grandfather comes to Pauly Shore’s defense and says, “It really tweaks my melon to see a buff bro like Crawl here get wheezed on by a greasy scumbaaaaag like you.” I don’t know why I remember the “It really tweaks my melon” line, but I do. Maybe this came to mind because I heard an interview with Pauly Shore last week. I guess what I’m trying to say is, here are a few things that currently tweak my melon.

Fearless Girl: Shut up already. The Fearless Girl statue is fantastic. I don’t think either piece of art should be moved but if one must go, lose the bull and have Fearless Girl stare down something else. I don’t go to New York City frequently. Even less frequently with the whole family. If we all go down there, I don’t give a give a damn about seeing the bull statue but I’d make a point to bring my daughters to see the Fearless Girl. And yes, I’d snap a picture of them standing next her. Much like freaking out about anything that isn’t heterosexual, losing your shit over Fearless Girl says more about you than you probably care to admit.

Health Care: The entirety of the situation that started this train of though isn’t really important. The basics are I was at an event, someone needed emergency care and while others assisted this person I was on the phone with the 911 dispatcher. There are two things that tweak my melon about this experience. When I saw someone in need of help, I was quick to get there to be of assistance. However, once there I had no idea what to do. I am completely unprepared for a medical emergency. Totally useless. Frozen deer in the headlights useless. The only help my initial reaction provided was alerting people that actually knew what to do that their services were needed. And there was more than one person in the crowd that knew what to do. So I simply played messenger between the competent people and a 911 operator. Unlike first-aid, I am very prepared to use a cell phone.

The other thing that tweaks my melon about is wondering how hard an event like this might hit the person needing medical attention financially. No idea if this guy has insurance but he left in an ambulance. I’ve got to believe he spent at least some time in an emergency room and possibly a hospital room too. I don’t know what the medical bill ended up being, don’t even know the guys name, and can’t even definitively say what was wrong. It isn’t hard to imagine the billable cost of an ambulance ride, treatment in an ER and some time in a hospital be being over 10 grand. Maybe more. If you are able to just pay that bill in cash, you more than likely have insurance that will pay most of the bill so the cost to you will be much less than10 grand. If you don’t have that in a bank account, that’s the kind of debt that could impact your family for years. And that’s not right. It's been over two weeks and I still think about that guy regularly.

Ed Sheeran:  Awhile back anything that broadcasts music played Ed Sheeran’s song “Thinking Out Loud” on a repeat for what felt like an eternity. Personally, I believe “Thinking Out Loud” took the music from the absolutely classic “Let’s Get It On” and turned it into a generic, sappy wedding first dance song. It’s something I argued should be a crime that involves jail time. My wife thought I was over reacting. Sheeran’s new song, that is currently being played non-stop on all things that broadcast music, is called “The Shape of You” and the music sounds like it was taken from the intro to the television show So You Think You Can Dance.

Taxes: Trump should release his taxes. Regardless of your politics, who you voted for (or against), or where you get the information that helps to form your opinions, you should want to see them…or at least have someone where you get the information that helps to form your opinions see them and tell you about them. And no one paid me to have that opinion.

Pineapple: Until recently, I would have said, “Never put pineapple on pizza. That’s gross.” The topic of pineapple on pizza has come up a few times online. Here, here, and here. It's a important global issue. I was standing by original position and still thought it was gross. Then I saw a pineapple pizza I’d try. Sure it was made in Rome by a very famous pizza maker that only uses the finest ingredients but it definitely made me flip flop from my initial opinion. Maybe I’m opposed to pineapple on pizza if the pineapple is from a can. If there was a wood fired pizza truck parked on the north shore of Oahu making their house specialty pizza that included fresh pineapple…yeah, I’d try that. But I’m still a firm NO on the 7-Eleven spam sushi I saw under a heat lamp when I was there on my honeymoon. Looked like it had been there for 3 days. And I'm not anti-Spamity Spam. Just that Spam.

I made a conscious effort not to do this, but this Tweaks My Melon list is starting to feel like a Chef Dominic “Snippets” rip-off.  Perhaps I’m being too hard on Ed Sheeran. Sorry, Chef.


  1. I agree with you on everything, except the pineapple on pizza. That's a classic. With ham or Canadian bacon, of course.

    1. We had a pretty good pineapple with dinner last night. Maybe someday I'll try putting it on a pizza. But it would have to be a good pineapple.